07 July 2008
Luigi in 2008!
Mario CLAIMS he cares about saving the Princess, but where is she? In the clutches of this man: Bowser. And where is Mario? In World 2-3, relaxing on the beach, swimming with Cheep-cheeps. If Mario REALLY cares about saving the Princess, why hasn’t he done anything about it?
Mario: The WRONG choice for Princesses.
*Luigi SAYS he’s concerned about collecting 1-UPS, but why do so many seem to go RIGHT IN THE PITS? Maybe if he wasn’t too busy trying to time his fireworks he would wake up and see how much his liberal 1-UP wasting policies are costing us.
Smash and spend Luigi: Reckless with 1-UPS.
Look at Mario. Now he’s trying to tell us he’s GREAT at beating levels. And that he’s beaten way more levels than his opponent Luigi. Well if Mario’s so GREAT then how come he has to continually use Warp Zones to get anywhere?
What’s the matter Mario? That Latuka level too hard for you?
Mario: He’s the one who sucks. Not Luigi.
*There goes Luigi again! Claiming he knows some special spot where he can bounce on a Koopa shell and bring HUNDREDS of 1-UPS into our economy. Well where is this ‘secret spot’ and why can’t you tell us about it, Comrade Luigi?
Mario PROMISES he’s going to ‘get the Princess.’ We’ve heard that before. And Mario SWEARS that he can beat Bowser. But he can’t even GET to him without throwing the controller and swearing!
Mario: Weak on defense, weak on firepower. And still, the princess is in another castle!
*Luigi. That cheating piece of shit! How many times is Luigi going to CHEAT to get extra men? Doesn’t he know that it’s CHEATING to bounce on that Koopa shell over and over? Maybe someone should teach Luigi a thing or two about this country and its LAWS!
Mario is CRASHING AND BURNING. He claims to be the ‘man for the job’ but look how frustrated he’s getting trying to beat level 7-3! How many times is he going to JUMP in the SAME PIT over and over again? You think he’d learn. He barely has any men left, and yet he has the NERVE to question Luigi’s careful approach and to accuse him of CHEATING?! Mario, Mario you’re losing your cool and the whole country can see it.
Zero Progress Mario: Oops, there’s that pit again!
*Luigi is distorting the FACTS about Mario once again. First of all Mario DID beat that level. And second Mario has PLENTY of men to get the princess. Luigi is just a liar, PLAIN AND SIMPLE. And an idiot. And he’s GREEN.
Luigi: Fuck him.
Now Mario is attacking Luigi for his color. For SHAME Mario! Maybe Mario should just put down the controller and TAKE A BREAK. Maybe rescuing the princess is TOO HARD for Mario. Maybe he should take up tennis.
Mario: too weak, too inexperienced, too angry.
*Maybe Luigi should just shut his cheating mouth up already before it gets personal!
Luigi: dead man.
Maybe Mario should stop choking me with his cord like a CHILD and fuck off already!
Mario: I’m telling mom!